The Coach’s Corner Newsletter #110
The best leaders I work with use a mix of management styles to lead their teams. Author and psychologist, Daniel Goleman, has established six styles of leadership based on different aspects of emotional intelligence, as captured here on Personio.
1. Coercive Leadership
2. Authoritative Leadership
3. Affiliative Leadership
4. Democratic Leadership
5. Pacesetting Leadership
6. Coaching Leadership
Goleman points out that most strong leaders know how to alternate between these styles based on what they’re facing in their workplaces.
So this week I was intrigued when I heard from two leaders from top 500 companies, each describing how being a people pleaser is surfacing in ways they don’t like.
One shared how it was impacting his ability to keep up the morale of the rest of his team, since he was paying too much attention to one team member. The other expressed frustration that she didn’t notice how far down a rabbit hole she’d gone to try to ‘fix’ a team member, who now wants this leader to do her work.
They both expressed what so many of us who stray into ‘people pleasing’ territory know – that they can’t make everyone happy.
THIS WEEK’S INSIGHT
The impact of people pleasing on your leadership
In our previous sessions, Carl has been working on developing his strengths and finding them very useful in difficult conversations, staying on top of projects and guiding his team to find new sources of income.
He describes himself as fitting into an ‘affiliative leadership style,’ where he wants a positive work environment for his team.
But I’ve gone too far. Rather than holding one of my key team members accountable, I’m pleading with her to show up for meetings and turn in her reports.
What’s prompting you to plead rather than share the impact of her actions?
She stopped answering my meeting invitations and hasn’t shown up for our weekly one on ones for 3 weeks. She’s not ill – she’s actually in the office!
What are you sensing is different in how you’re approaching this situation?
I think it’s the blatant dismissal of normal business efforts to clear things up. The other members of the team are very frustrated with me because they feel I’m holding up progress until she shows up. And they’re right, I am. It’s this people pleasing part of me, I want her to like being here, on this team, in this org.
We talked about how he can own 100% of his actions but has no control over how this team member will respond to whatever he shares with her.
What would you like to see happen?
I want the work to be done. I want my team to know I recognize the effort they’ve put in – even if this team member doesn’t step up to the plate. I want to be very clear about my expectations and then let this person face the consequences if they persist in ignoring requests.
Carl acknowledged that he wasn’t willing to let this team member take responsibility for falling short. His ‘people pleasing’ attitude was impacting his own leadership.
THIS WEEK’S TOOL
4 ways to stop seeking others’ approval
If you’re a people pleaser, there’s a good chance you’re experiencing chronic stress, your relationships are strained as you get more resentful and you might feel like you’re losing your identity as you constantly prioritize others’ needs.
In “The Heart of Laser-Focused Coaching,” Marion Franklin, MS,MCC shares four excellent ways to break this cycle with clients who are ready to shift.
- Form healthy boundaries
- Take care of yourself without guilt
- Appreciate others without losing yourself in the process
- Stand up and share when a behavior is unacceptable to you
Franklin concludes,
We are not responsible for another person’s behavior, and they are not responsible for our well-being.
My takeaway
People pleasing takes on many forms, and for those of you who have been working on letting go of what others think of you, it can still flare up and bite you when you least expect it.
Being liked and wanting to be included isn’t a bad thing, until it takes over your entire self.
I’ve learned the hard way that when you’re overworking or overextending yourself to get that next promotion or lock in that account, things rarely turn out as you plan. As a hard worker, doing what you can do in a reasonable amount of time is enough.
I’ve also learned that I get to decide what I will and won’t do. Blaming someone else when I’ve gone too far is on me.
Whenever I’m triggered: I breathe, ground myself and pause. Those moments give me the space I need to do the things that matter most.
The root of chronic people pleasing is not concern for others. It’s concern for their approval.
Adam Grant
How does people pleasing impact you? I’d love to hear from you.
