The Coach’s Corner Newsletter #112
Ever wonder if there’s any chance you can truly change things in your professional or personal life?
I’m here to vouch for you – because there’s a good chance you’re making small changes every day. Deciding to cover for a team member when you’d rather be home, going to bed earlier instead of binge watching your favorite show, holding your tongue when you want to let your associate know he really messed up on an order, choosing dried fruit and nuts instead of a double chocolate chip cookie.
Maybe you have someone in your life who’s been challenged with behaviors that seem impossible to break. For your own emotional wellbeing, you might choose to accept them for who they are and write off that there could be any change. Or, as William Damon, Professor of Education at Stanford University suggests, you could take a different approach.
I’m opposed to the idea that there are bad people or good people. I think it’s important to make moral judgments, but not about a person. It’s about action. I think it’s a matter of faith. As long as that person is still alive, there is the potential that they can redeem themselves, that they can change.
As I write today, I’m ready to change as well. This is the final installment of the Coach’s Corner weekly newsletter, where I’ve brought you an insight from coaching, a tool and my takeaway for the past two years.
Before I go, though, let’s check out the possibilities that unfold through change.
THIS WEEK’S INSIGHT
When change is essential
Jeffrey arrived at our session smiling and shaking his head.
I knew this would happen. I took a huge step of formulating the guidelines requested by my VP to be considered for the next role in our org. I was prepared, I had everything verified and once the words came out of my mouth I felt like I’d done what I needed to do.
He was silent and kept his head down. Then he went on,
Almost immediately I was told that there would be no change in comp or title, and that the initiatives our team has been working on has prevented me from being seen as thinking strategically.
Then Jeffrey looked up.
Like I said, I really did know this was going to happen. Because it’s time for me to consider my next steps. I’d hoped to decide when that would happen on my terms but those words, ‘no change in comp or title,’ solidified for me that it’s time to move on.
Acknowledging his heavy lifting I wondered what moving on looks like to him.
I’m going to take more time off. Respond in my own time. Not take on as much. I want the space to disconnect and put my energies into a job search.
The more we explored how he would go about this, the more resolute Jeffrey became in his decision. He went to a whiteboard and brainstormed about various positions that would be a good fit. He outlined the specific elements he wants for the role he’s seeking. He noted what he doesn’t want to accept in a role. And he determined the parameters of the job he’d most like to get.
For Jeffrey, there’s no reason to threaten or give an ultimatum.
I know what I want and I’m going after it. Maybe next time, I won’t have to be pushed into this spot.
THIS WEEK’S TOOL
How to take steps that stick
Today I’m leaning on the insights that Alene Dawson writes about in her John Templeton Foundation article, Can People Really Change? Yes. Here’s How.
In addition to Professor William Damon, she also reached out to Wendy Wood, Professor of Psychology and Business at the University of Southern California.
They offer a fresh take on how to implement change that lasts a lifetime.
- Replace, don’t just eliminate
Wood says, “Rather than just abstaining from a behavior, it’s easier to have a substitute behavior.” For example, knit in front of the TV instead of compulsively eating. Or read, paint, or learn a language.
Wood says it’s important to repeat the new behavior in the same way each time because that’s how your brain starts to connect the context with the behavior.
- Make new habits easy to do
“Contexts have forces in them that make behavior easy or difficult. And we call this difficulty friction,” says Wood. For example, you’re more likely to go regularly to a gym closer to home. Lay out your workout clothes the night before you go to the gym, so they’re easy to put on in the morning. The supermarket expression, “Eye-level is buy level,” links less friction to consumer spending.
- Assess your virtues
William Damon, one of the world’s leading researchers on the development of purpose, says “I think people can change and do change, and people sometimes change for the better, and some people change for the worse.”
Habits are regularly practiced routines and actions that are hard to give up and contribute to character traits. He continues, “character is a collection of virtues that define a person’s moral identity. Virtues are basically character strengths. And character is the collection of all those character strengths you’ve developed over your lifetime.”
- Have hope, take action
“I’m opposed to the idea that there are bad people or good people. I think it’s important to make moral judgments, but not about a person. It’s about action,” says Damon adding not to give up hope, even though there are people who do horrible things. “I think it’s a matter of faith. As long as that person is still alive, there is the potential that they can redeem themselves, that they can change. It’s a good start to say, ‘I’m not a bad person, but I’m doing things that are not right.’ But then a person really needs to practice the right course of action, and that’s easier said than done.”
“People often get discouraged if they skip a day or take some time off from a habit,” says Wood. “But the memory trace will still probably be there when you get back to repeating that behavior. So, you can think of yourself as still being a step up in forming the habit. You’re not back to the beginning. So, start back where you were when you left off, and you can pick up and keep working on it.”
My takeaway
Wherever you are on your journey, change is inevitable.
Thank you for being here through the launch of this newsletter, our move to Texas and now a change to something new and not yet totally defined.
My broadcasting background gave me the tools to sit down to write these Coach’s Corner newsletters every week. What a privilege I’ve had to be able to express and share my thoughts, experiences, tools and insights AND to hear from you about the impact of these pieces.
Having pivoted to coaching some 10 years ago, I’m now exploring what the next 10 years of coaching/writing/speaking will look like.
What I do know is that I will continue focus on what I love doing most: keeping people at the forefront of my work and life.
People are my passion.
Lois Melkonian
Thank you.
