The Coach’s Corner Newsletter #93
When’s the last time you were in a meeting or workshop and it seemed like the same participant kept offering their insights? At every break or Q and A opportunity. Again and again.
This person will often share thoughts that don’t directly add value to the conversation, but they’re oblivious that their input is falling flat. Mostly because they’re so happy to be heard, or speak publicly.
I must admit, this kind of behavior used to frustrate me. I wanted the facilitator or director to put up more boundaries for comments so that the over-sharer might hold their tongue. What I really wanted was to control the flow of the discussion. Except it wasn’t up to me.
When a client shared that her response to this kind of interaction prevents her from contributing in online meetings, I recognized something deeper for myself. Rather than stepping up to the plate and joining in, offering another view or adding our thoughts, we were willing to watch from the sidelines and place the blame for our silence on the frequent contributor.
What if, instead, I could recognize this person for who she is – someone who’s demonstrated time and again that they like to voice their ideas? So what? Without attaching any sort of judgment it’s possible to discover you can still do what you want by letting the other person be who they are.
THIS WEEK’S INSIGHT
People show you who they are
In our first session, Joan wanted to dive in quickly.
After my last promotion, I thought I could to dispel with some of my impostor syndrome notions, but I can’t shake the idea that my fellow directors are better than me.
She began to unpack what she’s noticing about herself.
I’m not contributing. If there’s a text thread, I find myself watching as certain people offer their thoughts on a much more intense level. In meetings where I’ve totally prepared, I feel like I’m waiting and then missing out on sharing things I know would bring value.
As we explored what she thinks might be holding her back she pointed out several leaders are simply louder.
What if that’s who they are?
I wondered.
How do you want to show up?
I want to get out of my head and not let their loud messaging stop me.
We walked through a few possibilities of how she might challenge her thoughts.
This reminds me of the “let them theory.” Something I’m not doing! Let them be who they are so that I can continue crushing it in the way I know how.
As she embraced her insight, she knew where she had to go next. She wanted to own her message and choose to share it, even if she was the last person on a call to offer her take on an issue.
THIS WEEK’S TOOL
Believe them and let them be
After my conversation with Joan, I checked out excerpts of Mel Robbins’ “The Let Them Theory,” in her writing and podcast. The gist of her theory encourages folks to stop trying to control others’ actions, opinions, and behaviors, instead focusing on accepting people as they are and letting them make their own choices. The result? You get to focus on your own life and goals.
I’ve shared my appreciation of Maya Angelou’s amazing words,
People show you who they are. Believe them, the first time.
They line up seamlessly with Robbins’ exhortation to let people be who they are. If a friend doesn’t want to be around you, let them. If your colleague doesn’t finish a project, let them. If your partner doesn’t want to join you for an event, let them.
Robbins offers three different ways to use this theory:
1. Detach yourself from the emotional struggle you get into (trying to change someone) and attach to emotional peace.
2. Let people fail. Give them the room to grow, to learn and take personal responsibility.
3. Let people be themselves. If you’re constantly griping about someone, you are wishing for the potential of the other, not seeing that person.
My takeaway
The more I choose to believe or accept what people say to me without interrogating them for ‘the truth,’ the freer I am to not stress about the outcome.
Of course there are times to intervene: if someone is a danger to themselves or others, or your boundaries have been crossed repeatedly.
But most of the life I lead doesn’t demand that I have to dig deep when someone refuses a request or an offer. I don’t have to challenge them by demanding to know why. Or try to convince them to change their mind. I get to let them be with their answer.
I’m getting better at chiming in during large online meetings, and now when I notice someone offering loud commentary on a frequent basis I smile and silently mouth the words, ‘let them.’
When you “Let Them” do whatever it is that they want to do, it creates more control and emotional peace for you and a better relationship with the people in your life.
Mel Robbins
