The Coach’s Corner Newsletter #103
In work and in life – there are things that matter more to you than to someone else. Despite what others may challenge you to do, deciding where you put your energy is completely up to you.
You’ve just been seated at a table in a restaurant and it’s a bit noisier than you prefer. Some folks are willing to take what’s been offered, rarely asking for another option. Others seem to want something far different than what’s being suggested and insist on what they consider a better seating arrangement. While this is a personal decision, there are moments when you might be challenged for not going after a ‘better’ table. But if it’s something you truly don’t care about, it probably doesn’t bother you in the least.
In your leadership choices, however, deciding who’s involved in a team project may matter a great deal to you. You might spend hours assessing which individuals work best together to achieve a solid outcome, while your counterpart spends very little time evaluating the working relationships of members of a team.
In the middle of tackling it all, you get feedback.
Why don’t you care more about X?
How come it’s so important to you that X happens?
The more you understand how you arrived at your decision, the better you’re able to share that there are certain things that matter to you more than others. Just because you choose differently doesn’t make you a pushover. One size doesn’t fit all.
THIS WEEK’S INSIGHT
What matters most to you?
Erin opened our session last week saying she’s been ruminating about something that’s bugging her. She shared a comment made by a close friend after a meal they shared together and wanted to know whether I’d noticed this trait in her.
My friend told me I don’t speak up, and that is weighing heavily on me.
From my experience with her, I noted how she’s recently hired and fired members of her team, how she prepares for conversations with leadership and how she’s in the middle of releasing an innovative programming initiative.
Well, those are all true. That’s what I do as a leader.
I added,
Which requires you to speak your mind. So, where is it that you find yourself not speaking up?
Erin continued,
It was at a restaurant. My meal came without something that was supposed to be on the plate. Turns out I had ordered more to eat than I needed so I didn’t say anything. My friend insisted that I ask for the missing item. I told her it wasn’t a problem. That’s when she challenged me, saying my reticence was an example of not speaking up for myself.
Hmm,
What do you think?
I didn’t want the fries – so I didn’t care.
There you have it.
Now we were able to unpack what matters most to her. When it comes to issues of her work, the areas that have consequence both short and long term mean a great deal. Even in a restaurant, if the wrong meal had been delivered that would have mattered. But the fries? She didn’t want them.
Erin and I explored what action she might want to take so that she could be clear about what’s important to her, and how to share that when something doesn’t matter, she doesn’t always choose to speak up.
I wasn’t being a pushover. I simply didn’t care because I didn’t want those fries. It probably would have helped to communicate that with my friend in the moment.
Erin noticed that when things matter, she acts. When things don’t matter, she moves on.
Remembering Brene’s Brown’s great line, “Clear is kind, unclear is unkind,” we talked about how being clear could include sharing what doesn’t matter, as well as those things that do matter.
THIS WEEK’S TOOL
4 ways to be clear about what matters, and what doesn’t
When you’re wrestling with a dilemma in work or life – here are four ways to establish what matters to you and how to let go of what doesn’t.
Check in with your core values
Assess what you’re trying to achieve in the short term and the long term. Spend your time and energy on activities and relationships that align with those values and release those that don’t.
Consider your options
List a few ideas and weigh the pros and cons. As you identify the direction you want to go, be ready to let go of opportunities that no longer serve you or hold you back.
Decide
Consider your intuition and get input from people you trust. At the end of the day, you’re the one who decides what will create growth and change in your life and work. Trust your decision and stop pushing against the current.
Reflect on your decision
Evaluate what worked for you or think about what you might do differently, and adjust accordingly. When you’ve chosen to let go of things that don’t matter, you’ll find you have the space to move with fewer constraints.
My takeaway
I learned something so relatable from Erin this week.
Hearing that she ‘forgot’ the traction she continues to make at work because of a comment about not asking for her fries was a lighthearted example of how we cling to comments or thoughts that aren’t true – while examples of our tenacity are right in front of us.
I was hit with how important it is for me to know what matters to me – and to notice how I respond when I care about something. Conversely, when something doesn’t matter to me it’s a kind thing to inform people that this issue truly isn’t important. I’m choosing to ignore, dismiss or put it down – and sometimes I do that without speaking up.
Once again, clear communication is such a game changer.
If it won’t matter in 5 years, don’t spend more than 5 minutes getting angry about it.
Unknown
