Find the ‘thing under the thing’ before your next hard conversation
Your boss gives you feedback you feel is unwarranted.
Turns out he wanted more communication.
Here’s how to turn around a misunderstanding by naming what’s really at the core of the conflict.
In Leadership Core, I’m tackling everyday leadership challenges with HIIT‑style intervals: short, focused practices you can run between meetings to strengthen how you lead.
Story: Finding the thing under the thing…
When you receive feedback from your peers or leadership, how do you make sure you don’t get triggered and overreact?
One leader I’ve been working told me how he blew up at his boss after receiving feedback he felt was unwarranted. Sensing there was a need to repair the relationship before it went further off course, he asked for some tools to speak clearly without feeling targeted. As we walked through his dilemma, he recognized something very different than he’d imagined.
“It’s not something I did that angered him. It had more to do with not keeping him in the loop!”
He noticed his recurring sense of dread with his boss had more to do with leaving him out of key conversations. The tension was less about his work, and more about how he was holding on to information his boss needed.
We walked through an exercise that he could do before meeting with his boss.
Interval: Decide to confront the issue head on.
Before a sticky conversation, consider mapping out what you’ll say so you move past the surface and name the core issue. Here are a few ideas:
“I think the real issue here might be that I didn’t include you in the process. How does that land for you?”
“I think the real issue here might be that you want regular updates from me. How does that land for you?”
“I think the real issue here might be that you want me to be more of a team player. How does that land for you?”
Reflection
What happened for them, and for me, when I chose this path instead of avoidance?
For my client, who used the first suggestion above, he told me that his boss was totally silent at first. When he did speak, he said that more than anything, he had felt excluded. Together they set up a weekly sync, by call or email, so that he stays aware of how the team is doing the work they’ve set out to do.
