The Coach’s Corner Newsletter #105
I have a love/hate relationship with mistakes. I know they’re essential for growth, hence I sort of love what they can teach me. I also hate having to re-do something after an epic failure, even when I understand that it can teach me.
It’s a quandary, defined as “a state of perplexity or uncertainty, confusion or doubt.”
For more clarity, I turn again to the little ones in my life as I watch them make mistake after mistake SO THAT they can do what they want to do.
In this season of life, I spend afternoons with twins who are attempting to crawl, pulling themselves up on fixed objects and reaching for anything that catches their attention. They pretty much fail most of the time – by not getting to their destination, falling or dropping whatever they’re trying to capture. They may cry out in frustration, but they don’t stop. They keep trying to crawl, pull up or reach.
In contrast, I spend mornings with many clients who are stuck because they don’t get to their destination, they fall in the eyes of their peers, or they can’t hang on to what they want most. And they stop. They feel paralyzed.
Little ones have this ability to keep trying by changing things up without feeling defeated. They don’t have any perception that someone might be judging their effort. Sadly, that’s what holds so many of us back. We fear looking bad when we make mistakes, that we’ll be criticized or labeled if we don’t get it right the first time.
How can we regain this freedom to keep trying?
THIS WEEK’S INSIGHT
The quandary of mistakes
A state of perplexity. That’s how several people I’ve been working with describe the emotions they’ve experienced as they work through mistakes in their work or life.
#1
I was asked to support a colleague making a key presentation. We prepped and worked out the details and she was ready. Then, during the presentation she went off script. Knowing what leadership wanted, I convinced myself that I would be blamed for this mistake and for the rest of the day I was ruminating about how I could have done things differently. When leadership did circle back with us, they were very direct about what went awry in the presentation. It had nothing to do with me. My colleague was unfazed and accepted their comments vowing to stick to the script in the next presentation.
I learned two things: First, I was worried I would be blamed and that wasn’t the case. Second, I was blown away that my colleague accepted the constructive feedback as she did and moved on seamlessly.
#2
My role has been redefined and I’m losing a key contract I’ve worked on for years. I kept poring through the events of the past few months, trying to find that ‘mistake’ that pushed me over the edge and how I lost my footing. I was so certain that I’d done something wrong that I stopped asking questions about what’s next for me. I even started looking at job postings. I decided to have a coffee with one of my SVP’s who congratulated me on my new upcoming position. He detailed the promotion that is part of this new position and how it sets me up for what I’ve been working on for years at this org.
What did I learn? That the shift in my role was BECAUSE of my work ethic. I made a big mistake worrying about what everyone around me could have been thinking. Now I know I have to re-focus and see this role for what it is: an amazing opportunity.
#3
When we started working together, I was required to come to coaching because more than a dozen of my peers and leaders offered feedback about my interactions that were not favorable. At first, I was simply pissed off. How could these people be so unkind and throw me under the bus? I was a bit shocked when you gave me room to be totally frustrated. When I stopped venting, you asked, ‘now what do you want to do about it?’ I realized the choice was mine. I knew I had to face the mistakes outlined in that feedback and decide how to proceed.
What hit me most? The feedback was a lifeline. I hadn’t failed. I had the opportunity to build bridges, and that’s exactly what we worked on together. Those mistakes are ones I hadn’t paid attention to but where essential to getting me to where I am now.
THIS WEEK’S TOOL
How to respond to your next mistake
Jim Kwik, a brain coach, podcaster, writer, and entrepreneur, published an insightful video, How to overcome the fear of making mistakes.
He offers a very cool tool you can use the next time you make a mistake: make it an OLD mistake.
Own it – do not blame someone.
Learn – learn from the mistake to make better decisions.
Don’t repeat it – don’t make the same mistake by doing it again and again.
Kwik says this tool reminds you that your mistakes can teach you.
My takeaway
Every day I recognize there are things I could have done better, whether in relationships or conversations or actions or words.
And because I have the sweet opportunity to observe little ones falling and trying again and again, I know I can do the same.
I will inevitably make a mistake tomorrow. But since I know that mistakes don’t define me, I have the freedom to own the mistake, learn from it and do my best to stop repeating it.
I skated, fell down and learned to pick myself up in front of millions.
Michelle Kwan
