Giving feedback isn’t scary because of the words.
It’s scary because we’re afraid of damaging a relationship.
Here’s the 5‑step script I use with the leaders I coach to take the sting out of tough feedback. Save this for your next difficult 1:1.
In Leadership Core, I’m tackling everyday leadership challenges with HIIT‑style intervals: short, focused practices you can run between meetings to strengthen how you lead.
Story: Overcoming the fear of giving feedback
Most leaders I work with don’t list “giving feedback” as their favorite part of a weekly 1:1.
The #1 fear I hear is that feedback will damage a relationship, followed closely by worries about an unexpected negative reaction, saying the wrong thing, or slipping into full‑on conflict avoidance.
But once you understand the importance of feedback, the experience changes. That’s because when you avoid it, even when something critical has happened, you know the aftermath and cleanup are almost always worse.
So, what might it take to give clean, timely feedback instead of delaying?
My go‑to method for difficult conversations, whether it’s conflict or performance, is the Mutually Beneficial Agreement from Fred Kofman, in Conscious Business. It helps you define a mutually beneficial purpose, express your point of view, understand the other’s point of view, negotiate a mutually beneficial strategy and commit to execution.
Here’s a simplified, 5‑step script I share with leaders who want something they can actually use between meetings.
Interval: 5 steps to deliver feedback
- Fact – Name the specific behavior or action you observed.
- Impact – Describe the result of that behavior or action.
- Ask their view – Wonder aloud about their perspective on what happened.
- One next step – Agree on a specific action to improve results in the future.
- Timing – Set a time to check in on how they’re progressing.
Used in order, this script lets you address a key issue about someone’s actions without attacking them personally.
Reflection
When I stayed with the 5‑step script instead of improvising, what got easier about giving feedback?
Leadership Core is my weekly series of HIIT‑style practices for leaders: short stories, simple intervals, and one reflection you can run between meetings to strengthen how you lead. If this was useful, forward it to one leader who avoids feedback more than they’d like!
